You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
