I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
