Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
