Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
