WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
