Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
