I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
