are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
