i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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