Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
