you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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