Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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