$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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