LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
