Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
