I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
