He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
