dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
