well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
