I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
