Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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