I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
