my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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