what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
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I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
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I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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