I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
