need another drink. this is the easiest way
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
