she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
