May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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