do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
