just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Sober January is a disaster.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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