she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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