Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
