the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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