In the future we'll all be gay
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
