It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
When are your genitals available?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
