Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
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You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
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You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i now understand why vodka
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize