Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
