someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
