never play flip cup with pint glasses
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
