theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
