Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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