I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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