You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
