i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
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If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
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Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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