woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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