when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize