I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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