Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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