i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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