Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
