if you like me you must not know who I am
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
