I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
