Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
