just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
